My feminine indulgence

We've already talked about how I am girly-impaired. No need to re-visit that topic. 


But in the spring, when I can bust out my flip flops, there is one activity in which I allow myself to indulge. 

Behold my crimson toenails.

And there is something about looking down at my little painted digits that validates me in the most satisfying way. Nail polish is not functional. But it is feminine.


To the world at large these toes declare, "I am female." 


Should you catch me without makeup or accessories, please do me the favor of looking at my toes. And be proud of me for asserting my gender. Even if it's on my feet.

100

It's official. 

This blog is now at 100 posts!

Image from wayoutwestaustin.com

Believe it or not, Isaac was the original mastermind behind this blog and the momentum that got it started. Camber gave only occasional cameo appearances. 


Writing initially reminded her of college. Ugh.


Then life happened, things got busy, and Isaac decided to take a hiatus from blogging. 


And Camber hated to see a good thing die. 


I never thought I would grow to enjoy writing or blogging. It turns out blogging is different than  analyzing Charles Darwin or writing 10 pages about preventing falls in the hospital. Riveting as those papers were to read, I managed to write them only after a few all-nighters and a Costco-sized bin of chocolate-covered raisins (thanks, Sarah).


It took me a few years out of college to recover (both emotionally and from the ensuing chocolate buzz) but here I am writing without compulsion. And liking it. Thanks for reading.


For fun, I'm including some links to some of our favorite posts from the olden days that you may not have seen. You'll see that Isaac's hiatus is a true tragedy for us all.

Our Favorites:

Laughing Gas by Isaac

We are all going to die by Isaac

The great electronics war and Isaac's rebuttal by Camber & Isaac

Automatic lights and Hotels (poems by Isaac)

And a couple from Camber: 


The Many Faces of Nebraska


and


The Perils of Changing the Subject

At Least

Forgive me, world, for posting something that's actually serious...

Infertile people always seem to have a lot to say about tact. It's fun therapeutic I suppose to point out all the tactless things other people say to make things worse. But I need that lesson on tact too, and it's taken me these four years to come to understand one pernicious phrase a little better.


It's these two little words: "At least..."


Fill it in with 
-you're saving so much money
-you get to sleep through the night
-you don't have to deal with horrific tantrums like you just saw my toddler throw
-you get to stay skinny
-you don't have any stretch marks
-you and your husband actually still have a relationship 


There are limitless variations on this phrase, and we use it all the time. In fact, until recently, I also used it all the time. We say it to people whose loved ones die, to moms who have miscarriages, to people who lose their jobs, to people who get cancer, etc. 


We say it because it hurts to see someone suffering. We want to alleviate that suffering by pointing out that things could be worse. It's important to see the bright side, we think.


I completely understand this urge and have been saying this to people my whole life. I am all about looking at the bright side, finding humor in sticky situations, and trying to stay hopeful. 


Here's the problem. Someone says this--completely meaning well and out of a sincere desire to be helpful--but it belittles the problem. Someone who had a miscarriage doesn't need to hear, "Well, at least you have another child." Yes, that's true, and it is great, but miscarriage is still sad. They don't need you to fix it or belittle the fact that they are mourning. (We have not miscarried--this is just an example).


Personally, I'd rather not hear about all the money we're saving because we don't have kids yet--I'd happily pay money to get them (which, it turns out, we are doing. Infertility isn't easy on the wallet...)


Here's another problem with that phrase. We may need to hear the bright side when we are complaining. Sometimes when I'm whining I do need a reminder to be grateful, recognize hidden blessings, maybe even find things to laugh about. 


But it is not for someone who is mourning. Mourning is absolutely legitimate and natural, and a person can mourn a trial or loss or disappointment without complaining or being ungrateful. 


I don't often wax religious on this blog (mostly because I don't often wax serious), but here's a good example from the Bible. Christ visits Mary and Martha after the death of their brother Lazarus. They great him with tears. And what does he do? Jesus weeps. He just mourns with them. He doesn't say, "Hey, at least I'm about to raise him from the dead." Even if he wasn't going to do that, he doesn't say, "Hey, he's going to be resurrected so you'll all see him again eventually." He doesn't tell them to quit crying or to feel better or even to trust in His redemptive power. He just weeps. 


Then he raises him from the dead. He lets them mourn first. Interesting, no?


Sometimes when we tell someone "At least..." we are pushing judgment on them--saying that they are wrong to mourn, and that they have a bad attitude about their hard situation. We may be wrong on both counts.


Here's a recent example for me. 


I had a patient which a leg with a nasty infection and some other problems. The surgeon came into her room and explained they needed to do surgery to get rid of the infection, and there was a good chance they'd need to amputate if the infection had spread too far.  I had to step out before he left, and when I returned, I found my poor patient with her face in her hands, sobbing. 


And for once in my life I suppressed the "At least..." that sprang to my lips (took a lot of willpower, I tell you) and instead knelt down next to her and put my hand on her shoulder and just let her cry. I'll admit, a few tears sprang to my eyes as well (don't tell anyone, though, because I have a strict no-crying-in-public policy that I only break for emergencies). Sometimes, it's better to let someone hurt. But help them not hurt alone.


Three days later (after her surgery) I happened by her room and we chatted briefly. She was smiling.


She still had two legs.

Tagged!

Merry, one of my all-time favorite people, tagged me in a blog post with some questions to answer. I'm cheating a little and not doing the whole challenge, but I still think it's fun and will do my best with the questions.

1. If there was one place that you would want to live, where would it be? Arizona! I swear to you, it's the promised land. 70 degrees in January? Swimming pools everywhere? No humidity? Check, check, check. Nothing green in sight? Weeeellll, it's no Hawaii. But it's cheaper than Hawaii. I'll take the discount.

2. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? Chocolate ice cream with peanut butter in it. Any variation on this will do. And if there's no peanut butter in it already, I just stir it in. 

3. Who are you planning on voting for in November? I plan to write Isaac's name on the ballot.

4. What is your favorite thing to do to waste time? Read other people's blogs 

5. What is your favorite song to listen to right now? I'm back to playing the piano again, so I prefer playing Clare de Lune to listening to songs about break-ups. 

6. What are you reading right now? I'm about to embark on 1st Chronicles in the Bible. I cheated and skimmed ahead, and it doesn't look promising. If you ever find me passed out at the kitchen table, the genealogy of King David is the likely culprit. 

7. Do you like shoes?  How many pairs do you have? In the summer, I have three pairs: flip flops and church sandals (white and black). 

8. Does your husband ever force you to try something that you detest (like licorice)? Mostly he tries to get me to eat extras of unhealthy foods. Is portion control so bad, dear? Or fitting into my pants?

9. Could you tell that there was a story behind Question Number 8? The licorice did seem a little specific...

10. What is one rule that you implement/plan on implementing with your children? Just one? How about 3? Like no barfing between 10PM and 7AM, and no toys that play high-pitched songs, and NO giggling during prayers (we're hoping to turn over a new leaf with the next generation). 

11.  Do you currently own or want to own a pet?  What kind of pet?

I want a kitten

And a puppy

And whatever this thing is, I want it too

Or maybe I just need a cotton ball with eyes. Probably cheaper. 

2012's auspicious beginnings

Aside from awkwardly shaking hands and suffering from killer colds, here's what Isaac and Camber have been doing:

-Isaac went to Hong Kong in January for 9 days and discovered that Hong Kong has its own...

Buzz Lightyear

Crazy Factories

Obama

Toilets. Kind of.

Blink. Better than bling?

And, um, pizza. I think.

In other news:

-Camber applied to Nurse Practitioner school in Cincinnati (a 2-year master's degree) and is waiting to hear if she got accepted.

-Camber also went to Cincinnati last weekend to visit said school and was promptly greeted by a rainstorm and a tornado warning, complete with sirens.

-We are moving there in a few months.

-If it's still there.

-Isaac got over his man cold. And Camber, browsing through this blog's archives, realized that Isaac posted the same video and blogged about it a few years ago himself when he got a cold. Funny boy.

-Isaac graduates in 64 days! We're not excited.

-Actually, we are.

-Sunday we ate a cajun-creole themed dinner with our friends, the McAllisters. We had fried okra, hush puppies, maquechoux, black-eyed peas, jambalaya, and sweet potato praline cheesecake.

-Wow.

-Isaac's family is coming to visit in ONE MONTH! We're not excited.

-Actually, we are.

-Camber's phone fell in an unspecified body of water. It's on the fritz. She cannot remember life before cell phones. Did happiness exist back then?

-Her phone is in critical care and being tended by a ziplock bag full of dry rice. Should it ultimately die, money can be sent in lieu of flowers.

-Isaac and Camber read the first Fablehaven book together. Isaac's not sure if he can continue on. Camber liked it. But then, she didn't major in English.

-They also watched one and a half seasons of Downton Abbey. Then Lent came and Isaac swore off TV for 40 days. Camber doesn't believe in Lent.

-Camber's dilemma: finish season 2 alone? Would that make her a bad wife?

-If so, how bad exactly?

Does anyone else think this is awkward?

Source: Susan Medina

This is two women shaking hands.

Ugh.

As a child, a great-uncle once chastised my older brother for having a wimpy handshake. "You should always have a firm handshake, son." Hearing this, I resolved also to always have a firm handshake, too (I was never one to be outdone by my brothers). 

So I pride myself on having a good, firm handshake. And I find that shaking hands with another person of similar standards is thoroughly...satisfying. Like giving a good high five. One that makes a nice echo. No one wants a sissy high five. 

And I don't want a sissy handshake. 

I've found that most guys have this figured out. Perhaps a firm handshake is a sign of manliness they don't dare neglect. A wimpy handshake says, "I have no upper body strength." What guy would admit to that?

Girls, on the other hand, have by and large failed in this arena. A firm handshake doesn't require bulging biceps, my friends, although I regularly see women hefting huge loads of laundry or their own chubby toddlers. Then they give offer a handshake like it's a wet spaghetti noodle. 

And I ask myself, why?

Perhaps girls are not meant to shake hands with other girls. In the end, I think handshakes were designed as a man's greeting, and women adopted it later as default. Maybe we should just hug. But can you hug the wife of some guy that your husband knows from business school that you are meeting for the first time?

I think high fives might be the obvious solution.

Except maybe the sissy handshake girls would also give sissy high-fives.

***

Hang on everybody

***

I just asked Isaac what he thought about sissy girl handshakes. His solution? "Maybe we should go back to kissing girls' hands when we meet them." 

Good. Something even more awkward for me to do when meeting another girl. Faced with that choice, I'd take a sissy handshake from a girl any day.

Isaac has a Man Cold

Isaac is sick today.

He has a cold. 

But not just any cold. 

A man cold.

What is the difference between a regular cold and a man cold? 

As Isaac puts it, "Women cannot fathom the amount of pain a cold can inflict upon a man."

Uh huh.

If you are a man, this video may not seem funny. It will probably just bring back back painful memories. Show it to your wife. She will laugh, but you may not understand why.

As for Isaac, well, he hopes to leave the couch by the end of the week.

The five-year paper

I am getting published. In a bona-fide journal.

You are allowed to think for a moment that this is glamorous.

***

Now you will remember the title of this post. And you think, surely no one takes 5 years to publish a paper (dissertations don't count).

I did.

Five and a half years ago I went to Argentina with BYU's nursing program.

While I was there I interviewed women at the maternity hospital about their eating habits during pregnancy and their views on nutrition. Easy enough. I figured I'd have my research published within a year.

Then I hit a few snags.

Problem #1: Camber's husband

I got engaged within a few months of returning to America. Then I got married.

No further explanation required.

Problem #2: Camber's Spanish skills

My Spanish comprehension, while perfect when listening to other gringos speak Spanish, is paltry when speaking to native Argentine women from the countryside with several missing teeth. (Yes, they lose their teeth young down there). When I sat down to translate the tapes later on, I realized I had no idea what the heck any of them were saying.

Just a glitch.

So I hired a native speaker to translate them for me, and let me tell you, that was the best-spent $80 of my life.

With my tapes effectively translated, I figured it was smooth sailing from then on.

Except for Problem #3: Camber's attention span

I'm pretty sure I wrote this paper in 5-10 minute spurts. I usually sat down dutifully at the computer and then remembered a pressing duty somewhere else. Like the dishes. And the books on the shelves that really needed to be alphabetized. And why not get around to organizing the cosmetics while I was at it?

No deadlines. No pressure. No bueno.

And then, Problem #4: Camber's publisher

Turns out, publishing takes forever. This is how it goes:

Step 1) Turn in your paper. Wait 4-6 months. Forget you ever wrote it. Hear back, "We'll publish this...maybe."

Step 2) Make the proposed changes. Wait 4-6 months. Forget you ever wrote it. Hear back, "We'll publish this...maybe." Make another set of changes for problems they apparently didn't notice the first time.

Repeat two more times. 


And at last, this link to the journal article.

Glamorous? Not exactly. But we all benefitted from fewer dishes.


Through all this, my greatest asset was Erin Maughan, my mentor. Without her this never would have happened. No, really, without her, this never would have happened. After a few months of stalling I'd get a gentle email, "Camber, I really think this paper is worth publishing. What can I do to help you?"

Thanks Erin.

And just for fun, 2 more pictures from Argentina. Because it was really, really fun there.

Doing what nurses do. Poking small children. 

Hang-gliding. What was I thinking?

The Big Kahuna

Once as a teenager my mom and I noticed the car odometer was approaching a milestone--something like 80,000. Not the big kahuna, but still pretty exciting. We decided we wanted to watch it turn. So we drove veeeerrrry slowly around the neighborhood. And then again. And again. And it turned and we were thrilled.

Ever since then, however, a small part of me has still longed for something bigger. And better.

100,000 miles.

As exciting as watching 5 digits change all at once proved to be, watching 6 could only be that much more thrilling. And a little unspoken dream was born.

Years later, our car reached 99,982 miles. Let me tell you, few things are more thrilling than standing on the threshold of a major event like this. Would witnessing a great event like this change me? Would it make me forget the little people? Would the glory go to my head?

With only one way to find out, we went on the great odometer date, and drove down random country roads at slow speeds until the odometer turned.

Here's the proof.

Did witnessing this event change me? Absolutely it did.

Did it make me forget the little people? Never.

Did the glory go to my head? Welllll...

Our Christmas/New Years Letter

(While many of you received this letter via email, there are some amazing people out there whose emails...I do not have. Anymore. So I am putting this out there for general viewing and reading pleasure.)

Photography by Eve Tuft who is offering very inexpensive photo shoots.
If you want one I'll help you get in touch. 

(Ever since Isaac and Camber Hess revealed earlier this year that they are Superman and Superwoman, the world has clamored for an interview. Matt Lauer recently sat down with Isaac and Camber in their Iowa home for this exclusive.)


Matt: So, by now everyone knows that you’re living here in Iowa. But . . . why? Don’t you think the public has the right to know?


Isaac: I suppose they do, Matt, I suppose they do. Camber and I moved here back in August 2010 so I could attend graduate school at the University of Iowa. I’m getting my MBA.


Matt: But isn’t it cold in Iowa? [Camber shivers reflexively.]


Isaac [locking eyes with knowing stare]: Yes.


Matt: I see. [Pause.] Let’s move on to happier topics. I hear Isaac graduates in May. Any word on future plans?


Camber: Oh, we’ll be returning immediately to the full-time crime destruction machines God designed us to be.


Matt: Really?


Camber: Ha! No. We’re moving to Cincinnati in July.


Matt: Cincinnati? Isn’t it cold there, too?


Isaac [same knowing stare]: Yes.


Matt: I see. [Pause.] So why move there instead of say, Arizona, where the weather is beautiful, all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average?


Isaac: Matt, it turns out that fighting crime doesn’t pay well. We just can’t keep up our lavish lifestyle fighting crime in areas like Arizona. I was lucky enough to find a great job in Cincinnati at a marketing research consulting firm. Camber and I are both excited for the new adventure!


Matt: So no more crime fighting for now?


Camber: Have you seen Cincinnati, Matt? Let’s just say there will be plenty of opportunities to moonlight.


Matt: Let’s move onto some of your big events from this past year. Is it true that both of you had surgery in the same month this year?


Camber: [Sighs] It is true. I had cataract surgery to fix eye damage I got when I was young. It went well, and I see much better now.


Matt: What about your surgery Isaac. What was that for?


Isaac: [Pause.] That’s . . . undisclosed at this time, Matt.


Matt: I see. [Pause.] But glad to hear that you’re both feeling better. What about your summer in Chicago? I’ve heard you had to spend most of the time apart. What was that like for you?


Isaac: It was difficult. I had an internship there for 11 weeks, and we did spend most of the summer apart because Camber had a job as a nurse back here in Iowa. It was grueling, but we learned how to stay connected and close even though we were many miles apart. Modern technology is amazing, and really helped.


Camber: And I got to visit several times over the summer. Chicago was fun, but really loud. And several of Isaac’s family dropped in as well. His mom and brother, Sean, visited. But the pizza. Oh . . . the pizza. [She closes her eyes, licks her lips.] If you’ve never had Chicago-style pizza, you haven’t yet lived.


Matt: Good to know. So it shocked the world when we found out that Superman and Superwoman were living among us, an unassuming married couple. How long have you been married, and . . . any Superchild coming along soon?


Camber: We just had our fifth anniversary a few weeks ago! We’re so happy to be married. Best. Five. Years. Ever.


Isaac: As for the Superchildren, most of our family know that we’ve been trying—unsuccessfully—for several years now. We’re still hoping and praying, and may be looking into adoption in the near future. We’ll be sure to keep you up-to-date.


Matt: Fair enough. I just have one last question. Can you confirm the rumors out there that the Justice League is about to kick out The Green Lantern, because the movie was just that bad?


Isaac: I can’t confirm, but let’s just say I can’t—won’t—deny it.


Matt: Ouch. Well, thank you so much Isaac and Camber. You’ve been great guests.


Camber: Thank you, Matt. If you get kidnapped by terrorists, you know how to reach us!