Friday, September 24, 2010

On going to bed alone

Isaac is away at an MBA conference for three nights. This post is not meant to be a plea for pity, just an observation.

When he is gone, my days do not change--any normal day I'm working or running errands and cleaning anyway. At dinnertime I prop up a book next to my plate and it substitutes adequately for conversation. Evenings take a little planning, but I entertain myself well when he's gone--a girl's night, a church potluck, an extra bowl of ice cream (shhhh).

But bedtime is different.

At first I think, "Going to bed will be so fast! No prayers, no talking after hours, no waiting for each other to floss."

But I'm wrong. Rather than go to bed early and take advantage of the simplified routine, I stay up late, avoiding bed. Somehow there is no reason to go to bed. Not alone. It is the one thing we always do together. So instead I pick up the kitchen one more time. Browse recipes online. Check my email over and over. Read blogs I've already read. Anything to put off crawling into that quiet bed and lying down next to an empty pillow.

Sleep is an inherently lonely activity. It's eight hours of just me and my subconscious. Yet it is the time I miss Isaac the most.

Friday, September 3, 2010

An open letter to Clutter

This is a difficult letter for me to write.

You've been a big part of my life, seeing me through every stage of childhood and adolescence, and even accompanying me to college. All my roommates knew you well, knew that we were inseparable. We went everywhere together. I spent more time with you than with my own mother.

But, you see, I'm a married woman now, and have been for several years. We can't carry on like we used to. It's just not right.

I'm going to have to be blunt. I'm breaking up with you.

There. I said it.

Look, you know I've tried to do this before. I'd make it a few days without you, and then you'd be there in my living room, begging me to take you back, to give you another chance. You told me that life was better with you around. Everything out in the open. No secrets. Sure, I'd trip over you in the night from time to time, but you have to take the good with the bad, right? And so we never did manage a clean break.

Then I met Isaac and I forgot about you for awhile. I'm committed to him, plus our new place was big enough to keep you out. But you came back. So we moved. And you came back again.

This time, it's really over. I'm a grown-up now, and when I say it's over I really mean it's over. We're through. Isaac and I want this apartment to ourselves.

Sincerely (but without affection),


P.S. I'm un-friending you on Facebook too. So there.