Tuesday, April 28, 2009

We are all going to die

As many of you may have heard, the world is ending. (If you have not heard, I am sorry. While we're on the subject, you should probably know that Santa isn't real either. Sorry. A nifty map here will give you the appropriate level of panic.)

I know that many people are urging calm. I know that panic could be described as "irrational." But while there is certainly a time and place for rational thought, there is also a time and place for fear-mongering, panic, rioting, and general French-revolution-style pandemonium. THAT TIME IS NOW!

I know, I know, all of you are thinking: Whoa, Isaac! Calm down! It's just a flu virus that kills 6% of the people who get it. That's nothing to worry about. It's not like people are turning into flesh-eating zombies!

My response: REALLY? Have you guys SEEN I Am Legend? The government isn't going to tell you that everyone is turning into man-eaters! They're going to pretend that everything's fine, that Obama will take care of everything and even give you a back-rub, and that if you'll only help them buy bad bank assets the world will return to normal. (I'm onto you, Mr. President.)

But I know better. The end is coming. And since this is Swine Flu, it's probably going to be a lot like this:

See you at the aftermath. It was good to know you all. Let me know when you're dead.


  1. You are such an agent of intolerance, why don't you go hang out with Pat Robertson where you belong.

  2. What is the appropiate level of panic when you realize there is no Santa Claus?

  3. The appropriate level is, of course, French-revolution-style pandemonium. I'm pretty certain that a disillusionment with Santa Claus is what cause the French revolution.

  4. Hey, just found your blog. I like your strong view points and satire. Makes for good reading material. ;-)