As many of you may have heard, the world is ending. (If you have not heard, I am sorry. While we're on the subject, you should probably know that Santa isn't real either. Sorry. A nifty map here will give you the appropriate level of panic.)
I know that many people are urging calm. I know that panic could be described as "irrational." But while there is certainly a time and place for rational thought, there is also a time and place for fear-mongering, panic, rioting, and general French-revolution-style pandemonium. THAT TIME IS NOW!
I know, I know, all of you are thinking: Whoa, Isaac! Calm down! It's just a flu virus that kills 6% of the people who get it. That's nothing to worry about. It's not like people are turning into flesh-eating zombies!
My response: REALLY? Have you guys SEEN I Am Legend? The government isn't going to tell you that everyone is turning into man-eaters! They're going to pretend that everything's fine, that Obama will take care of everything and even give you a back-rub, and that if you'll only help them buy bad bank assets the world will return to normal. (I'm onto you, Mr. President.)
But I know better. The end is coming. And since this is Swine Flu, it's probably going to be a lot like this:
See you at the aftermath. It was good to know you all. Let me know when you're dead.