Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The dreaded day

This semester in my program marks a big transition: beginning clinical rotations.

I have dreaded and anticipated this semester from day one of school.

Would I like working with patients?

Would I be able to find a doctor nice enough to be my preceptor?

Would I be able to handle the mountains of paperwork needed just to show up at said doctor's office?

Would I feel stupid all the time?

And finally, and most importantly, what about Mary?

Four weeks in to this semester, many of my fears have been allayed.

Yes, I LOVE working with patients. Yes I found a doctor to precept me and he is SO, SO nice. Yes, the paperwork darn near killed me off, and didn't all get completed and processed until the DAY I started clinicals (that was way too close for comfort). Yes, I frequently feel stupid, punctuated at times by rare, thrilling moments when I feel smart.


Mary has been with me on this journey all along, from the positive pregnancy test FOUR days after I got my acceptance letter to her spectacular debut a few weeks after my first semester ended.

Then the real test came: now that I have a baby, do I keep going with this crazy school thing?

In the interest of full disclosures, I came very, very close to dropping out after my first semester with Mary.

I almost dropped out because I love being with her. I don't think staying at home with a baby is degrading or unfulfilling or a waste of a woman's time. I think it is the best use of my time possible.

I also began to question being in the program, the stresses of finding clinical sites, and the moolah--LOTS of moolah--that school tuition would drain out of our savings.

So I sat down to write an email to my family explaining to them why I was going to drop out of school.

I couldn't send that email. I could NOT sent that email, and I couldn't even finish writing it. And right then I knew I was going to finish school, no matter how hard it became.

And so, inevitably, the dreaded day arrived, when I would have to go to my scary, intimidating clinical site and Mary would go to a babysitter (her wonderful aunt). I have never left her with a babysitter for so long before.

I dropped her off...and she was fine. And I was fine. She had a great day with her cousin and was well-cared for, and I had my first day at clinicals and it wasn't as intimidating as I thought it would be.

Moving back out west has been an answer to more prayer than one--it has provided better means for me to finish. Better, closer clinical sites. Family nearby to help.

In other news, we had family pictures taken:
Isaac has a beard, which he has since shaved.
I couldn't get used to kissing facial hair, attractive as it was.
And Mary, it turns out, is more photogenic than her parents.


  1. You can do it Camber! It's great that you have family around to watch Mary. I'm sure that helps to take some stress off. And I think that your family pictures turned out great!

  2. Good luck Camber! You're amazing!

  3. You make me proud, Camber. I love reading your blog!!

  4. Cam, I think you are awesomely photogenic! Seriously, you look great in every picture I see of you. (or maybe you are just very skilled and destroying all evidence of bad pictures?) Either way, I love your family! And I definitely know how you feel about leaving Mary. You are so lucky to have family close. If you ever need to do a rotation in say...Phoenix? I'd be there for you! :) Hang in there!

  5. Adorable family picture! What you are doing is amazing! Making hard decisions isn't always fun, but it feels good to do what you know the Lord wants you to. Keep it up! Love reading your blog and feeling connected.

  6. I can't imagine doing school with a baby. You are truly a remarkable person. You do what you feel is right.

    And all members of the Hess family are photogenic. :)

  7. I'm a little biased, but I'm so glad you are sticking with it. I think you have been brave to follow your initial prompting even when it has been hard and scary and sometimes seems different than what I think you thought God had in mind for you. I am glad to see your courage to keep going when it seems easier to quit. "You go girl"

  8. "I don't think staying at home with a baby is degrading or unfulfilling or a waste of a woman's time. I think it is the best use of my time possible."

    YES!! so agreed. love this statement!!

  9. Camber! You inspire me how you balance it all! When we live within driving distance, I need to see you again!